||[Sep. 5th, 2008|09:16 pm]
the future freaks me out. that's about all i've got to say. |
that's about all i've been thinking about.
i'm supposed to be thinking about the future right now, i guess. i mean, i'm a senior in high school. huge, monumental changes are coming. difficult decisions i don't want to make that i have to. right now.
i feel like i'm going to lose everything. i feel like i have to prepare myself to have nothing for the rest of my life.
i'm the type of person who expects the worst, more or less, on a regular basis. that way, you can either be right or you can be pleasantly suprised. and i'm expecting to go to a college where i have no friends. where i make no friends. where i find out i can't do what i want to do. where i find out i'm just not good enough. where i find out that i don't really want what i thought i wanted. when i find out that i really have nothing in the world.
i don't want to be alone.
i guess, it would all be alright, probably, if i knew i could keep my best friends. i honestly could get through anything if i could keep them.
but reality is harsh. and one friend is even harsher. i honestly don't even know what the one friend is really thinking about it all. the two are total opposites when it comes to the after high school thing. good/bad toss up.
but it's awful. it's all i can think about. i really just want to focus on having a fun senior year. but it's like college is always right there. i can't go a day without thinking about it or having to decide something for my future. i want to focus present. not spend all of this on what will be.
i'm really hoping that things will slow down with the future/decisionmaking stuff and all the obsessing in my head as time goes by. but not after too much time goes by. i don't want to look up one day and realize i missed my senior year getting ready for something part of me is dreading.