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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2008|08:14 pm]
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2008|09:16 pm]
the future freaks me out. that's about all i've got to say.
that's about all i've been thinking about.

i'm supposed to be thinking about the future right now, i guess. i mean, i'm a senior in high school. huge, monumental changes are coming. difficult decisions i don't want to make that i have to. right now.
i feel like i'm going to lose everything. i feel like i have to prepare myself to have nothing for the rest of my life.
i'm the type of person who expects the worst, more or less, on a regular basis. that way, you can either be right or you can be pleasantly suprised. and i'm expecting to go to a college where i have no friends. where i make no friends. where i find out i can't do what i want to do. where i find out i'm just not good enough. where i find out that i don't really want what i thought i wanted. when i find out that i really have nothing in the world.
i don't want to be alone.
i guess, it would all be alright, probably, if i knew i could keep my best friends. i honestly could get through anything if i could keep them.
but reality is harsh. and one friend is even harsher. i honestly don't even know what the one friend is really thinking about it all. the two are total opposites when it comes to the after high school thing. good/bad toss up.
but it's awful. it's all i can think about. i really just want to focus on having a fun senior year. but it's like college is always right there. i can't go a day without thinking about it or having to decide something for my future. i want to focus present. not spend all of this on what will be.
i'm really hoping that things will slow down with the future/decisionmaking stuff and all the obsessing in my head as time goes by. but not after too much time goes by. i don't want to look up one day and realize i missed my senior year getting ready for something part of me is dreading.

whothefuckknows, really.
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2008|09:14 pm]

went to post and this was saved as a draft. don't know why i never posted it. well, sort of. oh well. there it is.

how fucked up is it that the one person I care more about than anyone I've ever cared about doesn't want to be alive. and I don't care. I still care about them more than ever.

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(no subject) [Jul. 29th, 2008|10:57 pm]
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[Current Music |Hey Heather by Farewell]

I can't take these fights anymore
I've got too much at stake
I swear I spent too many nights on the floor
I set myself up to blow it
I'm such an ass and I know it
This time I'm falling faster...
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(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2008|12:52 pm]
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Family sucks. Things with my family are not good. As I'm typing these first lines I'm vowing to myself to keep this short because I don't really want to get into it, I just want to say a few things. 

My mother is a blind idiot who doesn't know how to handle anything. She's desperate for "a relationship" with me when all I really want is for her to leave me alone. Because she pushes things. To ridiculous breaking points and she doesn't realize and is probably incapable of realizing how to grow up. 

My dad hates me. He's silent about it but he gives me looks and carries a "fuck you" attitude on his shoulders whenever he's around me. I'm pretty sure he blames me for everything. I'm a "little bitch", which he's told me to my face on more than one occassion but for the most part he just ignores me. Which is better, I'm pretty sure, than following me around the house like my mother does. 

My mother seriously does not leave me alone when I'm home. She will follow me and try to start "conversations" with me. She wants to know what "she ever did wrong" but honestly, I can't even tell you how often I have tried to have this conversation with her. It always gets absolutely nowhere because she's too damn blind for it to matter. She doesn't really listen to a word I say. EVER.

So I'm done, basically. Done trying. 

Eh, it was short enough.
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